


Stuck in a Reincarnation

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Class Issues, Dreams, F/M, First Times, Genderqueer Character, Homelessness, Humanstuck, Infidelity, M/M, Multi, Other, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 23:44:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9465884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: So by the time the spring semester of your super senior year came, you and your lovemate had settled into a comfortable and fulfilling relationship.Then you started having The Dream.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There is a disturbing scene towards the end of this story which I won't get into for fear it will lose its impact. Heads up. 
> 
> I will say a character thinks the f-slur in reference to themselves.

The first time you met em ey were standing at a bus stop. You were struck by how ey were even taller than you, the brightness of eir tattoos against eir dark skin, how majestic eir dreads were, but most of all, you were struck by the joint ey so flagrantly smoked.

"Is that marijuana?" you asked.

Ey nodded.

"You can't smoke that! It's not only extremely illegal, it is also dangerous to your body. I would hate for you to die from lung cancer due to the higher levels of tar in the average-"

"Eeyup," ey said as ey took the joint out of eir mouth and dropped it. Before your eyes, ey grounded the ill-gotten substance into the sidewalk with eir enormous slip-on shoes.

"Thanks for carin' 'bout my bod, bro," ey said, "Let me introduce myself."

After ey had done that, ey held out eir hand. You were reluctant to shake it and not just because it was dirty. You were afraid touching em would be too electric. There was something erotic in how big eir hands were. Instead, you froze. Your mouth was too parched to speak. Then, the bus interrupted you. Unfortunately, it was eir bus and not yours. As you waited alone for your bus, you tried to tame your regret you couldn't talk more. Why would you want to converse with some bum? It was a ludicrious fantasy.

However, when two days later you saw em walking erratically on the sidewalk, you could speak again.

"It's you!" you cried.

Eir eyes bugged out and eir body stiffened. You had meant to sound pleased but instead you sounded like you were about to accuse em of a crime.

"Yeah," ey answered nervously, "It be me. There a problem?"

"I didn't think - I would - see you - again!" you gasped out.

Ey tilted eir head. "You okay?"

You recovered your composure and looked at em sternly. "Am I okay? You are the one who is out of his senses. Let me take you the nearest coffee shop. I must buy you caffeine."

Ey relaxed eir body. "That'd be cool."

The nearest coffee shop was of course Starbucks. Ey got a venti strawberry Frappuchino, two sandwich, and three donuts, which is not what you were going for. You drank bottled milk and watched em eat.

"'anks," ey said with food in eir mouth, "I h'ven't got my eatin' done in days."

"How many?" you asked.

Ey held up three fingers.

"Why have you been fasting for so long?"

Ey washed down some food with eir fancy strawberry milkshake. "Don't got no money to do anythin' but fast."

"I thought you were just inebriated."

"Naw, ain't alcohol in my blood, it's the no sugar in there that's the problem."

"I should have bought you a proper meal."

Ey wiped eir mouth. "This is motherfuckin' fine enough charity."

"I'm glad I had the chance to give you charity. I wanted to see you again so I could introduce myself."

"Introduce on, bro."

So you introduced yourself to this near stranger. You shook hands this time. However, you caught sight of your watch.

"Excuse me," you said, "I need to get going."

"That's okay. This was sweet enough. Have a motherfuckin' wicked day."

You got up only to sit down again.

"Do you have a number I could reach you at?"

"Well...I don't got myself a cell...but there's this."

Ey took something out of eir pocket and slid it towards you. It was a matchbook from a long-stay hotel.

"Got the number on it," ey said, "I'm up in Room 612. For now, that is."

"Thank you. Expect a call."

You took the matchbook with you and went on your way. Later that night, as you took off your pants, you looked at the matchbook again. You didn't feel like you could call the number. You tried anyway and hung up when you got the night clerk.

The next time you saw them ey marching past your apartment with a cumbersome backpack on eir shoulders. You ran out to talk to them and then walked slowly when ey saw you.

"I'm sorry I did not call," you said.

"That's okay," ey replied, "The digits don't work no more."

"Why not?"

"I got myself kicked out of my room."

"Why? Was it the marijuana? I told you it was trouble."

"Naw, I just hadn't been payin', not for like a month."

"So where are you going?"

"Well, I got spyin' earlier this bridge I could stay under. The one five blocks ahead, you know?"

"That can't be sufficient cover in this weather."

Ey shifted eir backpack. "It's cool, I also got myself a tent in my backpack."

"That can't be sufficient either. Not with the upcoming thunderstorm. You should go to a homeless shelter."

Ey laughed. "Maybe if I'd been kicked out earlier I would, but it's like seven pm or something and all them shelters are full up by noon."

You could have told em to try harder and left it at that. As sorry as you felt for em, it wasn't your responsibility to house em. Yet then the lightning flashed. Eir eyes widened and eir body stiffened.

"Stay at my apartment," you said.

"You're really gonna let a strange motherfucker stay?"

The sound of the lightning followed.

"Take me inside," ey said.

So you took em into your studio apartment, while the rain started outside.

"I can only let you stay one night," you said as ey put down eir huge backpack.

"I wasn't plannin' on stayin' much longer than that. I need to get rolling."

"Good. I will cook dinner for us."

By cook dinner, you meant heat up a frozen lasanga and split it with em. Later, ey would do all the cooking.

After splitting the tray, you sat together on your folded-up futon and talked. Well, you interrogated em.

"How old are you?" you started.

"I'm twenty."

You nodded. That was the same age as you.

"You don't seem to be in college. Are you a drop-out?"

"Naw, I ain't a college drop-out. I'm a high school drop-out. Only did one year."

"Why did you not complete high school?"

"I was too busy gettin' myself away from my family."

"What was wrong with your family?"

"They just didn't get me, get what I am about."

"What are you about? Are you a...homosexual?" you asked.

Ey laughed. "Nah, not really. That don't fit. They thought I was, then I said I ain't a man, and my father said he wasn't gonna have a _hijira_ for a son."

"What's a hijira?"

"Born a son, lives a daughter."

"You are a trans woman?"

Ey shook eir head. "I ain't a woman either. Not entirely, that is." Ey gestured with eir hands. "I'm like...in flux."

"Some sort of quantum gender," you said skeptically.

"I don't think it's some physics bullshit. It's all a mystery."

"If you aren't a he or a she, how am I supposed to refer to you? As a he-she?"

"I sometimes let folks say he, it's motherfuckin' hard to correct them...but I met this other fluxy type who said they just chops of the th from they their them and I said I'd do that if I ever met a motherfucker who'd care."

You thought that was ridiculous grammar but ey seemed so sincere. You agreed to use it anyway in the unlikely chance you ever talked about em after this night. Eventually, you found it hard to think of em with any other pronoun.

With that cleared, ey talked about eir various adventures around North America. Ey had travelled to so many states in his five years. You had only been to two and you had never been outside the country, despite your father always talking about visiting Iran. Ey had seen both the Atlantic and the Pacific and you had seen no ocean at all. As a hobo, ey had faced death and imprisonment many times yet "miracles" had saved him. Eir worldview was both optimistic and fatalistic. You could never have been comfortable in eir life but you lived vicariously through eir stories.

You were just about to ask about eir sexual adventures when ey decided to take a bath. The image of your poor tub after said bath came to mind but you figured it was better than em going around filthy. As ey sang tunelessly in your bathroom, you were tempted to go in and help em scrub, for surely ey couldn't do it on eir own, but you resisted the urge.

By the time the bath was over, it was your regular sleeping time. Your studio apartment had only one place to sleep, so you both took the futon. Sharing a bed with someone was so unfamilar. It had never happened before in your adult life. Maybe it was the sexual connatation that gave you an erection. You spent so long trying to will the erection down and you were close to excusing yourself to the bathroom when when your guest rolled over and you could feel ey was just as aroused as you.

"Are you erect?" you whispered.

"Yeah, sorry bro," ey said louder than a whisper, "That be a problem? Cause I can take care of it in the can."

"Actually...I have the exact same problem."

Eir eyes widen. "Damn, who have thought we'd all up get the same problem? All this evening I was feelin' this way, you be feelin' the same way?"

"It is our proxmity to each other in this bed." You groaned. "It's unbearable intense."

"Do you wanna..."

"Yes. Very much."

Ey undressed under the sheets while you fished yourself out of your boxers. When your erection was out, ey grasped it with both hands.

"Wow," ey said with awe.

"I know I am big," you answered an unasked question, "We don't have to do that. I don't want to bottom but maybe we can..."

Ey rolled over and you thought ey was rejecting you but ey said, "Do it up between my thighs."

You did as ey asked. With that unromantic chat, you made love. It was an awkward position because ey was so tall but you could lick and nibble eir shoulder and you could reach around to feel eir throbbing erection in your hand and it felt so right. Outside it thundered but inside there was no sound but panting and gasping. All too soon, you came and you both came at the same time. You rolled away from each other but you didn't go to sleep. There was a minute or so where you said nothing.

"I have never had sex before," you stated, "I've never even been close to losing my virginity."

"I've been up and close before, but I never done nothing, not even head. It never felt right, until now."

"Thank you for that," you said because you were touched that ey lied to you.

Ey reached out to grab your hand and you let em. Before you fell asleep, you resolved to not let em leave in the morning. This person was destined for you. You were afraid to say you were in love with them but you knew you were strongly attached to them.

However, when you woke up that morning, ey was already preparing to leave.

"Thanks for the shelterin'!" ey said as ey lifted eir backpack, "I'm gonna get myself goin'."

You leapt out of bed and grabbed eir wrist.

"Don't go," you said, "You can stay more nights."

"That's motherfuckin' sweet, bro, but I gotta get myself going to another city."

"Why? Where do you need to be?"

"I just need to get goin' anywhere other than here. There's something callin' me on this journey. It's motherfuckin' important."

"Wasn't the night we spent together important? You claimed you'd never had sex before."

"Don't get me wrong, it was special. But so's whatever is at the end of my journey."

"Maybe...this is the end of your journey?"

Ey looked from side-to-side. "I'm not sure..."

"Stay a week at least."

Ey brightened. "I can do that."

The week was exhilirating. Ey dragged you places you'd never bothered to go. You went to the amusement park you didn't even know was in your city. It was a cheesy ramshankle establishment and the rides were likely safety hazards but you loved it anyway. You went to a petting zoo. Ey loved the goats and you of course loved the horses. When you were back at the apartment, ey told you more stories, including all the times ey almost had sex. You didn't make love again, not even kiss. Still, at the end of the week, you were sure you were in love. The last time you told someone you were in love with them, back in middle school, she just wrinkled her nose and said okay and walked away. You knew the problem was you came on too strong. You planned on going it slow this time as you slept on it. However, the first thing in the morning, when you looked em in the eyes, you said it.

"I love you."

"Huh?"

"I said, I love you."

"I dig you too."

You were disappointed by this answer that suggested a platonic love. Yet before you could explain you meant love-love, ey kissed you long and hard on the mouth. When ey pulled away, ey said,

"So motherfuckin' glad you said that."

You had to go to class that morning, but you never made it, or any of your other classes.

While you were resting between rounds, you talked about your new relationship.

"What should I call you?" you asked.

"You already be knowin' my name."

"I mean, what is your relationship to me? You are not my boyfriend since you aren't a boy. You aren't my girlfriend either."

"Easy! We're lovers."

"I don't feel comfortable with that. It sounds too lewd. Let's say mates."

"Let's split that motherfuckin' difference in half and say lovemates."

"Deal."

So you were lovemates. You were roommate too, but you paid the most of the rent. Ey brought in a surprising amount of money from busking and that helped pay for other expenses. You had your job at the college gym, plus whatever money your father could scrap together to send you. Your maternal grandfather paid for tuition but nothing else.

It took some time to figure out your lovemate was from a rich family. At first, ey din't talk much about eir life before fifteen but then ey dropped comments that suggested ey came from a privileged background. You confronted em eventually in the kitchen.

"So you went to private school," you said, "and not on an academic scholarship."

Ey laughed as ey stirred the batter. "Like I could get myself one of them."

"And you've mentioned you took archery and horseback riding and traditional dance and many other extracurricular activities?"

"Shame I was only good at one of them and I ain't got the chance to pick up that again."

"And you pluralize house."

"Only one of them motherfuckers was really home though."

"And you know which country clubs in your hometown took Indians and which didn't."

"That's general knowledge, though folks never say it."

"Interesting gossip."

Ey looked up from the bowl. "Um, where's this going?"

"Lovemate, you have a rich family, don't you?"

"Damn, you guessed right! Fuck, you smart."

Ey put the bowl down and continued talking.

"Yeah, not to brag, but my family is kinda a big deal. We got mad money. My parents own half the real estate in the Little India back home and my old man was on the city council and the family in India got a cotton plantation. Plus I got a great-great-uncle who was a motherfuckin' raj. But that ain't important."

"That isn't important?"

"You got some pretty rich fam to, right?"

It was true that your extended family had money and before the Revolution, they had power. However, your father had to start his own little business when you were a toddler. The business failed after only one year and your father had to go to prison for three. Though your father always blamed his business partner for the fraud, his family and his in-laws didn't believe him. His wife, your mother, divorced him and went back to her family on the Iraq-Iran border. She later died in the Second Gulf War. You had to spend your father's prison term with an unpleasant maiden aunt. When your father came home, life wasn't much better.

You spent your life overcompensating for your improvished situation. Your brief time with your bourgheois aunt helped this. You tried not to do or say anything remotely working class. Your behavior further alienated from your classmates, who looked down on you for being an Iranian (though you weren't a Muslim but a Zorastrian by background). You never had any friends but you had pride. You were angry at your lovemate for not appreciating what ey had.

However, you couldn't despise eir affected trashiness without admitting it turned you on. Despite being both Indian and upper class, ey had somehow manage to achieve perfect White Trash. You noticed a certain aristocratic air behind it. Ey could be optimistic and trusting because ey hadn't suffered misfortune and betrayal in eir tender years. Despite the odds, ey had past through life and it was both infuriating and heartwarming.

So directly after you grumbled to em that money and position do matter and reminded em of your lifestory, you said you wanted to make love to em, cake batter be darned. Ey was of course surprised by this but said yes. So you spread em on the futon under full light and examined all the tattos and piercings that were the reason why parents point to em as an example of why one should never get body modification, lest they end up busking. Those parents didn't know how happy and beautiful your lovemate was and you wouldn't want em to laser off even the worst tattoos on eir body.

The next day you got your first tattoo and it wasn't a little one on your back or upper arm or somewhere else covered by normal clothing. You got a tattoo all around your neck that said "STRONG" in royal blue gothic print. The day after that, you went back and got a septum piercing. You grew out your hair long like you'd always wanted and you styled it as a mullet. You stopped covering your sweaty body up so much and wore around shorts and a tank top. Your father was horrified by your appearence but he admitted he couldn't do anything except tell you to take out the septum ring and wear a turtleneck if your grandfather wanted to visit.

Your extended family had no knowledge of your roommate's very existence but your father probably guessed you and ey were more than roommates and decided to turn a blind eye. After suffering from being the Black Sheep, he didn't want to be the one to exile anyone.

So by the time the spring semester of your super senior year came, you and your lovemate had settled into a comfortable and fulfilling relationship.

Then you started having The Dream.

You aren't human in this dream. You are some type of alien with gray skin and candy corn horns and you are back in your early teens. Your name is Equius Zahhak. You are on a space station and you are hunting down a potential murderer named Gamzee Makara. You find this Gamzee and as alien as he is, he reminds you of a younger version of your lovemate. This Gamzee wears clown paint, like your lovemate confessed ey did as teenager before ey suddenly gave up being a juggalo. However, this version of your lovemate is male. You think he's male. The murderous alien spots you before you can spot him. He orders you to kneel but you try to talk him down from his murderous rage. Instead of calming down, he shoots an arrow right through your knee. With some odd speed, he jumps off the jar and walks up to you. He wraps a bowstring around your neck. He pulls it until you suffocate and you wake up with an erection.

You found the dream weird when it first happens, but dreams are often weird. The second time, you wanted to analyse it. There was a clear class symbolism in it. The alien version of your lovemate wore a sign in a royal color, called you a peasantblood, ordered you to kneel, and killed you with a symbol of eir privileged childhood. You believed you must still have been overwhelmed by eir background.

The third time you looked into the sexual part you ignored last time. Your erection after the dream couldn't be simply your bladder. The dream ended not on just asphixation but erotic asphixation. You were uncomfortable having a sex dream where yourself and your partner are underaged. Still, you feel a sexual attraction to this other underage boy. You wanted him so bad. Age aside, did you want em to be like this Gamzee? Did you admire not just trashy people but also insane violent criminals? Was it that this Gamzee is so aggressive and commanding? Did you want em to be a Dom? You had done some bondage and sensation play and other kinky things with em but you haven't done a serious Dom/sub scene. Even though you had no experience, you assumed you would like being a Dom. You were dominant in your relationship with your lovemate. It was hard to imagine your lovemate being a Dom. Ey would pitch but only if asked and half the time with toys because "my body shit is complicated". On your end, you didn't pitch that much either since it takes so much preparation. How could you make your current lovemate into a Dom? But did you want a Dom that shoots out your knee and kills you? Were you really that kinky?

The fourth time it happened, you were struck by the clarity of the dream. It was weird but not illogical and disjointed. You aren't a spiritual person but you wondered if this dream wasn't simply a jumble from your subconscious but a vision from another world. It could be from a previous lifetime. That was why there's been such a strong connection between you and the reincarnated Gamzee. In the dream, you used to be friends with em. It was ominious that your past relationship ended in murder.

The fifth time, before you get the chance to discuss the previous times with your lovemate, your dream takes place a little earlier in the story. You are talking with a girl alien about the same age as you. She talks in cat puns, her horns look like cat ears, and she has a fake tail. Her name is Nepeta Leijon. You don't recognize her as anyone from your waking life. Yet you feel very strongly towards her, stronger than you feel for Gamzee. You want to keep her safe. She wants you to be happy. After you part, the dream continues on like the previous times, except the arousal also comes with the warm-fuzzy feeling that she's safe. When you wake up, your lovemate noticed your erection and tried to get amorous but you turned em down. You couldn't tell em you had a dream where you were in love with another person.

You've always had a complicated relationship with your sexuality. You have had crushes on girls before, like your disasterous middle school one. Yet it's really the male form that gets you going. Honestly, you don't think you would be as attracted to em if ey had a different body. Sometimes you thought of yourself as bisexual but mostly you thought of yourself as gay. It felt like your days of being interested in woman was over. Then, you met her.

You were in the grocery store when you saw a young woman that looked just like Nepeta, just human and older. You went to the pet food aisle and stood right next to her.

"Miss," you asked, "May I speak with you?"

She turned to look at you with what looked like fear and you were afraid she would hurry out of the aisle without answering.

"Yes..?" she asked.

"I wanted to say I like your cat ear torque. It's very fetching."

She smiled. "Thank you! I made it myself."

"I love the combination of blue and orange."

"I spent so hard looking for just the purrfect shade of blue, though green's my favorite color."

You noted how she pronounced "perfect".

"Have I seen you before?" you ask.

"Depends. Have you ever been to Fort Leon in Quebec?"

"I haven't heard of that."

"Most people haven't. It's the tiniest hamlet. But I moved here just a couple days ago."

"Yet I feel like..."

"Yes?"

"Are you here for school?"

"Yeah, just transfurred in." She pointed at your shirt. "Hey, we're at the same school, right?"

"Yes, I'm an engineering major."

She sighed. "I wish I could decide. I'm between art and zoology. Say, what's the school like? Any tips?"

So you talked about school and other things until you had to get going. You didn't get her number.

Yet you couldn't get her out of your mind. You went to the pet shop where she said she worked and you talked more. She couldn't talk too much on the job, so she gave you both her phone number and her online chat handle. You used the latter because your dumbphone had such a tiny keypad. As time went by, you were glad you didn't have any messages on your phone. In her text-based messages, she used RP actions and more cat puns than in real life. You could have found this annoying and twee but it felt endearing from her.

She quickly became your best friend, not that you really had any other friends. You didn't tell your lover about this friend and you didn't tell her you had a lover. It was unnecessary to hide it from them but there was a superstitious part of you that said you had to.

The friendship did start to turn to more. You didn't have sexual chemistry, though you found her incredibly cute and she really loved your hair. Yet there was some romantic chemistry. Your chats were almost flirty. You kept fantasizing about marrying her, living in a house in the wilderness, and having children together. It was her that brought up actually dating. You didn't tell her you were already dating, no, more than dating someone else. You said yes and repeated her <3\. When you went out on dates, you lied to your lovemate about where you were.

By only the third date, you both decided to physically consummate. It wasn't out of a burning lust on either end. You just wanted to see if you could do it. It luckily wasn't the first time for her; you don't think you could have dared taken her virginity. You told her it was your first time which was half-true. The next date, you went to a hotel to do it. You almost felt like registering as a married couple even though hotels hadn't cared for decades. After a two single serving wine boxes, you got up and undressed at the same time. She looked nervous when she saw your penis but she just said she needed some head first. Giving cunnilingus wasn't as bad as you worried it would be. When it came time for intercourse you lasted a long time, maybe too long. Still, afterwards, you both readily admitted the sex was only okay. You took turns showering then you left.

You expected her to break up with you, you even hoped it, but when you next talked with her, she was optimistic about your relationship. First times were often disappointing but it would get better, she said. She said she was starting to be a little sexually attracted to you and she hoped you would be down to do some kinky things the next time. While you aren't vanilla, you were alarmed by her kinkiness. There was nothing as extreme as erotic asphixation but you weren't expecting any kinks. You arranged another hotel date. Again you had sex. This time, she was enthusiastic and she actually orgasmed and you were so caught off balance that you lost your erection and couldn't get it back. The affair felt all too real and serious and you were too guilt-stricken.

You went home and confessed everything to em, both your affair and the dreams. Ey listened with a shell-shocked expression during the entire time. After you had finished, you expected rage but instead ey was filled with serenity.

"Funny story, I got myself that motherfuckin' dream like that too. Been havin' it since thirteen."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, I am that Gamzee, same as you, though he's got the 'they' pronouns goin' on. In this dream, I'm raring to kill all the motherfuckers, the voice of this freaky puppet keeps goin' kill kill kill..."

"There's a puppet in your version?"

"...and I'm facing down with all these other aliens, they're ready to take me down, then this dude Karkat comes up in my grill and feels up my face and motherfuckin' embraces me..." Ey looked up at the ceiling in awe while holding out eir arms. "I got all up in me a feelin' of contentment...like...heroin." Ey looked down. "Not that I've had that junk but once, you know.

"Anyway, soon I ditched my juggalo faith, deleted every music file, never wore a clown face no more, not that I had much of a chance earlier."

"That's why you aren't a fan of Insane Clown Posse?"

"Yeah, in the dream there was an alien clown faith, a real evil Satanic one. Now, I don't think Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope in the waking life are evil but I still ain't comfortable with them no more.

"But the big thing is, the dream inspired my motherfuckin' journey."

"I thought you left because your parents didn't approve of you."

"Yeah, that's why I left, but that's not why I journied. I could have stayed at my cousin's house, he was chill, coulda gotten a job somewhere, but I wasn't gonna find what I wanted there."

"What did you want?"

"I wanted my motherfuckin' Karkat."

"Am I your Karkat?"

"Sorry, my Karkat don't look a fuck like you."

"Why did you stay with me if I wasn't who you wanted?" you asked as you started to become angry.

"Because I motherfuckin' love you, silly bro."

"If you love me, why don't you care that I cheated on you?"

"It makes it all easier for me. I ain't gotta break a motherfucker's heart."

"You wanted out? For how long? All this time?"

"Not that long, don't worry, just since I got them motherfuckin' dreams where I killed you."

"Are they the exactly the same dreams as mine?"

"And I got the same motherfuckin' boner in the afterwards."

You thought of the times recently where ey woke up with morning wood and the rare urge to use it in you and you shuddered.

Ey continued, "But of course it also got up my guilt. I hated you so motherfuckin' much in that dream and I hated your girlfriend so much I bashed her head in."

You think of your Nepeta with a bashed in skull and you feel the urge to bash eir head in for this crime.

Instead you asked, "Were you aware of this world's Nepeta at the time?"

"I've been honestly motherfuckin' free of clues about what the third's like all this whole time."

"It doesn't sound like a jealous subconscious. Why did the dream Gamzee hate Nepeta? Was it jealousy?"

"I wasn't jealous for you. It was the puppet that got some weird jealous grudge. Myself never really gave a damn."

"Did you give...anything for...Equius?"

"I was so motherfuckin' filled up with Karkat."

You told yourself that this was all meaningless even if it did happen somewhere at sometime. Yet you were too angry to care. You were seriously jealous of a dead alien.

You pointed to yourself. "Did you give a...a damn for me?! Was I just someone to pass time with until you found this Karkat?!"

"Don't get me wrong, bro, I did feel that sweet love connection when I met you. I wouldn't gave up my v-card if I hadn't. But that was before Karkat started calling me again. This has been the most motherfuckin' wicked ride of my life but it's over and I gotta go right now."

Ey got up off the futon and walked to the closet.

You asked, "Do you mean go right now? Not tomorrow, but this evening?"

Ey pulled a backpack out of a large box out of eir side of the closet. You had seen that box before but you were never curious enough to open it.

"You've been prepared this whole time?" you asked.

Ey started examining the pockets in eir backpack. "Only 'bout a week, when you got yourself that hotel date."

"You knew I was having an affair?"

"I got myself a small feeling some shit was goin' down, you actin' all nervy and distant and goin' places. But I didn't have no proof and I ain't gonna accuse a motherfucker who ain't done nothin' wrong and make him hurt. Then I saw you with some monster Magnums and I know we ain't got anything that big in the apartment other than your cock and that don't need wrappin' no more. So I figure when you got home you got your dick wet."

"And you still didn't confront me?"

"I don't like confrontin'. I figured you could dump me in your own sweet time."

"I didn't say I'm dumping you! I'm not dumping you!"

"I think you should dump me," ey said calmly as ey pulled out a roll of cash and started counting it.

You stood up. "I don't need to dump you! We can be okay!"

Ey snorted. "You'll dump your sweet Nepeta for this sad motherfucker?"

"We can have a poly-relationship! We can work this out! She'll understand!" you yelled even though you knew it was a lie.

Ey put the cash away. "I've got it all worked too. I got enough mad money for a flight outta here. It'd be easier all the motherfuckin' way if I leave. Bye, bro."

"You can't leave me! I forbid you to leave!"

Ey simply put on the backpack and turned away.

You grab eir hand. "I said I forbid you to leave! You're my soulmate!"

Ey finally turned to you and stared wide-eyed. For a moment you thought ey was touched by your confession. Then eir brows came down and ey pulled eir hand back.

"You got your motherfuckin' soulmate AND IT AIN'T MOTHERFUCKIN' ME. You have your Nepeta LET ME HAVE MY KARKAT."

You were shocked by this sudden display of anger yet not shocked enough to do the safe thing.

"B-blast your Karkat! He might non-existent! Or extinct! Or not want you! I exist and I want you!"

Ey put down the backpack and you foolishly hoped you had convinced em.

"Not want me?" ey asked wide-eyed.

"You don't know anything about him," you said, "Or how your relationship ended up."

Then ey pushed you back until you fell on the futon.

"You don't know him either. THEY AIN'T YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' DREAMS!"

You sat up. "We had dreams together! And we had distinct chemistry in them!"

Ey pushed you back down. "I fuckin' killed you AND YOU GOT OFF ON IT!"

"And you likewise."

"THAT'S NOT A MOTHERFUCKIN' RELATIONSHIP!"

"It is something!"

Ey pinned you down on the futon before you could get up.

"So it's all 'bout that sex, isn't it?" ey hissed, "You got a sick fetish for trash and you take one off the street and FUCK THEM when they got no other place to go."

"I didn't force you to. You want to do it."

"I wanted myself a nice sweet ass romantic time after some slow courtin', but instead I got some motherfucker with midnight wood that's too motherfuckin' lazy to jack off and I thought that was the best I could get. I could have gotten MAGIC but I got you."

It was too much. Your lover was pinning you down and straddling you and acting so aggressive and bringing up the first time you had sex and even though ey thought it was disappointing and unmagical you got aroused beyond belief because that night was magical to you. Ey noticed your erection and started shifting eir body around it.

"Damn!" ey exclaimed, "You still got juice EVEN AFTER FUCKIN' NEPETA."

"It's not sexual...between us," you panted.

"Shut up, YOU GOT YOUR MAGNUM IN HER."

"Yes...we had sex...but it's not like this." You thrusted up. "Not as good."

"But if you sex her up SHE CAN HAVE YOUR BABIES, am I right 'bout her?”

"She can have...our babies...for all of us."

"And she can up and be your wife. YOUR RESPECTABLE WIFE. One you can show the fam. AM I RIGHT?"

"I want to marry her but...you can be..."

"I can't be your wife OR YOUR HUSBAND. I can't be any fuckin' spouse. BUT I CAN BE YOUR HO."

"You can be that...if you want...anything you want."

"I want to be a soulmate BUT NOT YOURS."

Your soulmate got up off you and ey had a prominent erection.

"I'm Karkat's," ey declared.

You sat up and touched em through eir pants.

"You want me," you say, "I want you. He might not."

Ey closed eir eyes and gave a frustrated hiss. "I believe he'll want me AND WANNA FUCK ME and I gotta believe it I JUST GOTTA."

Ey slapped your hand away only to pull down eir own pants and reveal eir erection.

"You wanna fuck? LET'S FUCK. One last time."

You didn't want it to be the last time but you did want to fudge. You unbuttoned your short but ey was the one to pull them off. Ey grabbed the bottle of lube that was always nearby.

"I'm gonna fuck you with my real cock."

You groaned with arousal.

"Yeah? THAT'S ALL YOU EVER REALLY MOTHERFUCKIN' WANT FROM ME. Just my fuckin' junk."

Ey poured some lube on eir erection, with most of it getting on the futon. Ey opened your legs and shoved emself in without preparation. Somewhere you felt pain but at the forefront of your mind was just pleasure. When ey was fully in, ey started taking deep hard pounding strokes.

"This is how you REALLY motherfuckin' want it. HOW THAT CRAZY ASS DREAM GAMZEE WOULD GIVE IT. Except your punkass never asked for it."

"You want...ah!...it too!"

"I want Karkat...KARKAT...he'd fuck me RIGHT...Not like you. He'll always show some motherfuckin' RESPECT."

"I - oh! - respect you!"

"NO YOU DON'T! You can go all respectin' your NICE SIMPLE CATGIRL who ain't got no WEIRD ASS BODY ISSUES! Let her peg you and...uh!...some shit."

"You can - ah! - both do it!"

"There - is - no -fuckin' - room - for - both! You - love -her!"

"I LOVE YOU BOTH!"

Ey stopped for a moment, wided-eyed.

"Really?"

"Yes," you croaked out.

Then, ey kicked it up a notch. What you thought was a hard pounding wasn't as hard as what came next. The pain and pleasure made you cry but something else made your partner cry.

"DON'T FUCKIN' SAY THAT," ey shouted with tears in eir eyes.

"B-but- "

You wanted to repeat you loved em but ey grabbed your neck and started squeezing. You grabbed onto eir wrists in hopes you could pull em off but then you felt the supreme pleasure, the one so many had died for, and your hands went limp.

"You like all them void of air, huh?" said a voice, "THIS IS WHY YOU DIED SMILIN'. No, you died smilin' because you knew A HEARTBREAKIN' PIECE OF SHIT LIKE YOU SHOULD DIE!"

You felt sure you were going to die this way, with your ex-lover's penis firmly implanted in your rectum. The police would find you full of semen and your family would know the truth about what a faggot you were but it wouldn't matter because you'd be on to the next life. Maybe it would be a better one.

Then the voice said, "No I CAN'T AGAIN," and the pressure on your throat stopped just in time for you to have the most intense orgasms in your life so far and from then on.

When you came to, you were alone. The addreline was gone and it left only pain. Your head pounded from the lack of oxygen, your neck was bruised, your hole was stretched and bloody, but what was most sore was your heart. You waited to hear crying from the bathroom or some other sign your lovemate hadn't left but you found none. Despite all the pain you were in, you took a shower, changed the sheets, and acted like it was just another night. The thought of calling the police never crossed your mind.

You didn't have any dreams.

The next day, you bit the bullet and told your girlfriend over Skype the truth.

She yelled into the microphone, "So all this time we've been dating - no, the entire fucking time I've known you - you've had a live-in lover? You never even mentioned you lived with anyone! What the fuck?"

"I'm sorry but there's no need to curse."

"No need to curse? There's every need to curse! You've been cheating on me! Hell, you've been cheating on him - I mean, em - and that's not right! Have you told em?"

"I did. It did not go well. Ey was angry."

"Ey should be furrious! It sounds like you planned this from the beginning!"

"I did not. This just...happened."

"You should take more respouncibility than that!"

"I'm sorry about everything."

"You should be sorry. Well, are things over between you and him - I mean, em?"

"Ey and I are 100% broken up."

She narrowed her eyes. "Are you sure you aren't just saying that so I'll get back with you?"

"I think after the way ey treated me last night, it can be nothing but over."

"Treated you how?"

You pulled down your scarf and she gasped.

"Did he do that?! I mean, ey? That's terrible! That's abuse! You should call the cops!"

"They wouldn't be able to find em. Ey's long gone."

She hurmphed. "It's a good thing that creep has run away. You're lucky to be out of that relationship."

"I suppose I am."

Her voice turned soft. "I'm sorry I was so harsh on you. You were just trying to escape a bad relationship."

"It wasn't a bad relationship...until the strangling."

"I think that's bad enough!" She looked to the side. "The funny thing is...before this...I kept having dreams of you being strangled..."

"Exposit these dreams. In detail."

"Um, okay."

She described being an alien named Nepeta. After parting from Equius, she went into the air vent where she witnessed his demise at the hands of Gamzee. She tried attacking Gamzee only to have a club come down on her and then she would awake. You told her about your dreams and your ex's dreams.

She responded, "So we're connected...I knew it...that's why I wasn't afraid of you at the grocery store. It's terrible it had to be through that evil villain...but it's true."

"Can we start over?"

She smiled wide. "Yes."

So you continued dating. This time, you could tell your family about your significant other. They never knew about your first. Your father once asked about where your roommate was and you said it was a complicated story and he understood enough to be embarassed by the question.

When you and she graduated, you got married. You wanted a traditional wedding but she had quirky ideas like having the service on a mountain with her beloved Maine Coon as the Maid of Honor and you just let her do it. You took the honeymoon at a nearby cabin. The week was filled with fun outdoor activities but you only had sex once.

That one time was enough to get her with child. You abstained while she was in her condition and you abstained afterwards because you were just used to it. Little Nepeta took up your time. You doted on her dreadfully. When Little Nepeta became Teenage Nepeta, you took a second honeymoon. It was in that week you decided to open up your sexless marriage and have other sex partners on the side.

Well, she sees other people and does goodness knows what kinky things with them. You only think about seeing other people as you furtively masturbate. That and the sex you had with Gamzee.

You did once hire a private dectective to find your Gamzee. He only got as far as five years after ey left, when ey arrived in India. He thinks possibly ey joined a Hindu monastery.

The strange thing is that you and your wife still get the dreams, though none of them take place in that morbid space station. You remember having an unpleasant girl named Vriska as a neighbor and having a confusing affair with a ghost named Aradia. Your wife remembers being friends with a boy in a wheelchair called Tavros and being hit on by a fish-like alien named Eridan, along with being strangely close to another fish-like alien named Feferi. She's even had dreams about Karkat and she remembers she had a crush on him, though it wasn't that serious. You met at a party once a bickering wife and husband who resemble the two fish-like aliens. "Eridan" tried to hit on you both but it was only "Feferi" who got your Nepeta into the coatroom. You think you've spotted a Vriska and a Tavros and a Sollux but you didn't have the chance to talk them. You've never found Terezi and Kanaya. Most importantly, you've never found Karkat.

Wherever Gamzee is, you hope ey've found Karkat.

**Author's Note:**

> ha ha sob


End file.
